


Minivan: The Vacation

by MirandaJ



Series: Batfam Week 2018 [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Bat Brothers, Bat Family, Batfam Week 2018, Eventual Fluff, Gen, Light Angst, Road Trips, Some Humor, this family is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 22:12:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15495801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirandaJ/pseuds/MirandaJ
Summary: The batfam's been on the edge for a long while. They need some time off, or maybe they don't...A minivan can solve the problem, or make it worse...Day One of BatFam Week 2018Vacation





	Minivan: The Vacation

**Author's Note:**

> For this first story we'll have something that was meant to be 1000 words long, but as you can see I failed myself, that's a common thing though. 
> 
> What I wanted to do here is to present a work where the BatCat do stay together and the batboys are involved in some kinda way, I may be pushing a little ~~a lot~~ , but I hope you like my versions of this characters and the story as well. 
> 
> As usual, this might contain mistakes, so if any of it bothers you please kindly let me know and I'll fix it.

Two months.

 

They have been married for two months, _Batman and Catwoman married_ for two whole months, the city had been an absolute mess Joker on the loose, Ivy and Harley oscillating between good and bad, Arkham breakouts and they were exhausted! There was no stopping, not until everything was back in the right place again (well as right as Gotham could be). Two months _Bruce Wayne and the now Selina Kyle Wayne_ had been _married_ , Gotham's richest man the eternal bachelor and playboy married to a plebeian from the alleys, the city had gone crazy _again_ , Wayne Enterprises did all in their power to support the GCPD and the bat affiliated heroes, Bruce had taken the presidency of the now richest company in the world back from his sixteen year old son, Vicky Vale had spotted Jason Todd-Wayne and broke the news of the undead Wayne child, Galas and Press Conferences had to be attended in order to keep the media chilling about his sudden marriage, his way back to WE and all of his kids status who had been followed by paparazzi like little fishes in an ocean of sharks, the events had led to everyone staying in the Manor, that never happened before the four of his _children_ together with him and his _wife_ under the Manor's roof, they were exhausted! There need to be a stopping at least until the family was back in the right place (well as right as _this_ family could be).

 

“-need some time off.” Bruce barely made up the last words of Alfred's advice.

 

 _“-need some time off.”_ Batman greeted his teeth as Wonder Woman and Superman synced their voices before shutting down the video call.

 

 _“-NEED SOME TIME OFF”_ He read the letters of the newspaper trying to expose the mess of a family the Waynes were.

 

“-need some time-” Lucius was grabbing the papers when he was abruptly interrupted by the shout.

 

“OFF!” Bruce sighed after the screaming word, he was shaking in his suit, Lucius Fox swallowed a breath. “I… I am sorry Lucius, you are right, all of you.” He turned his massive chair around to stare at wall of glass windows that framed the orange reddish Gotham's sunset in his office. “Lucius,” he called turning back around to face the dark skinned man, “cancel everything I have scheduled for the next week,” He requested and stood up drawing his shoulders back, stiffening himself to look even more serious, “the Waynes are going on a family vacation.” Lucius nodded restraining his lips from quirking up.

 

Bruce placed his coat over his shoulder and entered his car, the garage was almost empty it was 6:30 pm, _summer, everyone is_ _taking some time off_ _with their families and friends_ , he grimaced to the rearview mirror, he felt the steering wheel vibration as he started the engine of his Mercedes. The way home was fast, just as his brain's thoughts, the planning was done within 27 minutes and 41 seconds, all of their stops, hospitals always at a maximum of forty minutes away, food resources places and gas stations all at a safe distance, spots of Zeta Tubes in case there were _special_ emergencies, the list went on, he had all meticulously planned. The two minutes he had left before parking in the Manor were used for meditation, calming his spirit down before the announcement, he needed to shake away the stress they all did and they were going to, _tomorrow morning_ he thought hearing the car’s locking alarm sound die in his vast collection of fancy vehicles. Bruce hasn't even gotten into the hall when he heard the yelling, fingers went automatically to his temples already feeling the headache, forcing himself to cross the main hall to the dining room, the bickering louder, something about a sitting spot or switched cups or everyone hating the three of their _not-brothers_ or Selina threatening to…

 

“-tell him about this, just wait until your father gets home.” The door cracked opened.

 

“ENOUGH!” Bruce shouted, when did he start losing that much control? The four boys went instantly still nonetheless. “The four of you back on your seats!” He ordered making sure to batglare™ each of them in the eye, he wondered for a moment if they knew that although criminals had had Bruce started with that, he mastered and perfected it on his children. They sat and were about to make their statements, “No, I don’t want to know who started it and I don’t want any more insults thrown at each other.” They all quieted down and Alfred made his elegant entrance serving their dinner and quickly vanishing back into the kitchen.

 

The meal time was wordless, but their eyes and groans and sighs and clicking tongues talked, provoked, insulted. When they were all done, Bruce set down his fork and knife in a ‘x’ over his plate, adjusted and cleared his throat getting their attention, the green eyes of his loved cat shone for him warm but warily across the table as if knowing something was up, the four pairs of blue eyes that also looked into his seemed ready to shoot fire at him, Alfred who had just come back into the room watched carefully.

 

“Selina, Boys, I have an announcement to make, regarding all of us and our next week.” He stood feeling the need to impose his power and he held his hands at the low back of his torso and paced around stopping behind his chair. “We, the Wayne family, are going off on a vacation.” He stated vehemently leaving no space for objections.

 

“Yaaaaass! It’ll be awesome!” Dick’s excitement almost relieved him.

 

“Oh no, no fucking way!” Jason exclaimed, in a angry but defeated expression.

 

“There is _not_ a chance this is going to work.”  Tim sighed letting himself fall loose on his seat.

 

“-tt, father I see no reason for such a mundane ploy.” Damian scowled.

 

Selina stood, walked to him looked at the boys and back at him “Bruce, kitten… are you sure?” she simply asked.

 

He gave her one serious yet warm nod before resuming his speech. “We all have been on the edge lately, all the events from the last couple months have caused us an enormous amount of stress and since things are dying down a little, I came across the idea of us all taking some time to cool down this tense mood.” Selina took back her place and he went back to pacing. “For the next week we are all going to be off on a road trip, it is a classic american way of spending free time and an even better way to deceive the media and getting them to stop all this fuss about us.”

 

“Ahahaha! You gotta be kidding me!” Jason teared up of laughter.

 

“What?! I thought we were going to a resort, Caribbean or Hawaii…” Dick’s disappointment came with a pout.

 

“I take back what I said, this won’t just _not_ going to work, this will be an absolute piece of hell.” Tim added worried.

 

“I am not going to lessen myself to this father, I refuse.” Damian said with disgust.

 

“This is not up for discussion, we will be leaving in the morning, you should all pack your things this evening and get some sleep, the girls are going to take care of the city and Clark is going to be checking in as well. You’ll be receiving all the necessary instructions for the trip tomorrow at breakfast, which will be eaten at 7:00 oclock.” He stared pointedly at each of them.

 

“I shall make the preparations for the trip I assume sir.” Alfred prompted and Bruce turned to him.

 

“Yes Alfred, but I also considered that you do deserve a time off as well, so I don’t want you to come and get busy looking after us. I made a few calls and we can set up a trip to London or anywhere in the world if you wish my friend.” He smiled to the faithful butler, the table members looked more and more horrified.

 

“Master Bruce perhaps-” He was cut with a determined gaze that was held for an awkward long time, “very well sir.” Alfred finally gave in, bowed and exited the room.

 

“Oh dear! Oh dear!” Selina gasped as Bruce mouthed that everything would be fine, he could handle it.

 

“Off to packing you go.” He ordered trying to soften his tone and failing.

 

* * *

 

No one was prepared to be woken up at six or to be ready for anything at seven, still the alarms went off, grumpiness was the word of the morning sheets of papers had been sitting at everyone’s desks, as they read the grumpiness grew stronger they needed saving, there was no savior. At the kitchen the boys met Selina, Alfred had left everything perfectly ready and was already gone, Bruce was nowhere in sight and no one even cared to greet anyone.

 

“Okay,” Selina said after a while “I know none of you are happy about our _family vacation_ ,” she made air quotes setting her milk down, “the thing is, either we work together to get Bruce out of this insane idea so we can get back sooner an he’ll never do that again, or we’ll be stuck together for the whole week getting insane ourselves.” She caught their attention smiling evilly.

 

“I don’t trust you, but I’ll take my chances.” Tim glanced up from his coffee mug.

 

“I’m all ears.” Dick closed the cabinets after taking out a box of fruit loops.

 

“I refuse to work with morons like yourselves.” Damian crossed his arms over his chest holding an apple.

 

“Come on Lil’D it’s our only chance, maybe we even get to go to Hawaii later.” Dick beamed at the thought and Damian nodded with a frown.

 

“So… What’s the plan?” Jason smirked leaning on the counter with a cinnamon roll.

 

“We will be a family!” She grinned to their confused faces. “We will be the chessy, annoying, all-american family, I mean singing ‘chasing waterfalls’, switching places while the car is moving, sleeping with snores so loud he’ll have to stop driving, acting like completely dumb tourists at places, stopping to pee every ten minutes, joking around, do your already usual bickering, anything you can possibly think, let’s be creative, _He_ won’t last a day.” By the end of her speech they all had her evil grin on their faces.

 

Bruce was 15 minutes late for breakfast, no one seemed to care Selina kissed him good morning the boys greeted him with an unusual tone of warmth, he could tell it was fake, but decided to not pay credit to it. By 8:00 am they were all heading to the garage with full backpacks and hoodies even though it was summer, Bruce wore cargo pants, a black top, sunglasses and a cap? _(WTF????)_ , they stared and then stared again.

 

“ ‘You wearing…?” Tim tried.

 

“Oh, this? Selina suggested it, I thought it’d be comfortable to wear.” Bruce said casually, glancing his watch, Selina came into the garage wearing a light blue high waisted jeans with a short sleeves shirt tucked in it, she had a bag and Alfred followed her with two large suitcases. “Selina?” He sent her a quizzical look, “Why all of this suitcases? we are only going to be gone for one week.”

 

“Oh, don’t worry I decided to do some extra packing, in case the kids need anything, it never hurts to be prepared, right?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “Alfred could put this in the car please?”

 

“Wait, wait, wait hold on a minute.” Jason interrupted, “What car are we going to to use? I mean we can’t go on road trip in a Limo.”

 

“What do you mean Jason? We’ve got plenty of cars to-” Bruce suddenly stopped connecting the dots.

 

Alfred cleared his throat “If I may Master Bruce,” the man nodded and the elder signed them to follow him “Since you are a now a married man and father of four, it is obvious that a common car wouldn’t be fit to this occasion, so I took the liberty of preparing your father’s old Chrysler's to better accommodate you.” Everyone gulped down a dry breath as they stopped if front of the classic Chrysler's Plymouth Voyager 1984, although it was a very old car it was shining as brand new, Alfred opened the trunk and slided their luggages as they were all still dumbfounded staring at the vehicle. “Now if you will all excuse me young sirs, Master Bruce, Mistress Selina, I’ll be on my way to London in a few hours.” He bowed and left not hearing any reply from the six of them.

 

Once they got back to themselves and Bruce reassured everything was under control as he took the driver's seat and Selina got to the passenger’s one, they started the squabbles about who would sit where it hadn’t been hard to fake it since they actually started fighting over the best positions in the car Damian demanded to drive, still Bruce was used to it and had shut it down sternly ordering them to sit down, putting Damian right behind him, Dick beside the youngest taking care of the door, Jason and Tim were in the backseat with Tim behind Dick and Jason behind Damian so Bruce could check on the two more easily, the final order was the seatbelts on and they started moving. The first hour went by absolutely awkward, they were mostly trying to get out of the city and avoid reporters and paparazzi, Bruce notice how Selina kept glancing back from time to time, and how the boys shared the same strange glances to each other _This will work…_  He thought, he hoped.

 

Well into the second hour when they had long on left the city Selina called his attention, “Honey”

 

“Honey?” Bruce asked not at all used to the nickname.

 

“Yes kitten, I was wondering if we could stop at a convenience store in some gas station, I think I forgot to pack some deodorant.” She informed with the innocence of a nun apprentice.

 

“I don’t think we need to stop, I have some at my-”

 

“Oh Bruce please, you don’t really believe that I’m going to use a male cosmetic, do you?” She asked indignated by the fact he actually thought she’d use it. “My skin is too sensible to use anything _any of you_ _would have to help me._ ”

 

“Okay, there’s one about over half an hour from here, we can stop there, but then we’re going back to following our route and schedule for the towns we have to visit and we have to get to the hotel before the night falls.” Bruce complied and added the information.

 

A couple more minutes and Damian started stirring in his seat. “Father, I need to use the lavatory.” The boy announced.

 

“Okay, you can go when we stop at the convenience store.” He replied simply not bothering to look away from the highway.

 

“Pftt, I will not use such a minor installation, I demand-” He received the glare from Bruce in the mirror and was ready to give up when Selina gave him a much more _encouraging_ glare and he changed strategy. “But I need to go now.” He squirmed a little pretending to struggle with his seatbelt.

 

“Damian I’m sure you can hold it for forty more minutes,” the man tried, falling for the acting.

 

“It is not possible father, I didn’t go at home and I drank too many liquids this morning.” Bruce inhaled and exhaled slowly but before he could answer snorts interrupted him.

 

“Maybe you can you can use your water bottle Demon Spawn, since you drank all your water already.” Jason offered and bursted into laughs followed by Tim.

 

“Shut up Todd!” Damian shouted and unbuckled himself to throw his very true fury at them, Dick tried to stop him holding the boy by the waist but the boy squirmed, not to try and get out of the grip but for something else.

 

“Oh my god! Dami you’re ticklish!” Dick exclaimed, Selina curved her lips up while sanding her nails.

 

“Oh you know what tickles can do to a person when they’re about to pee? Imma make you wet yourself shortstack.” Jason grinned while Tim held his stomach still laughing.

 

“No one is tickling anyone and Damian seat back down and fasten your seatbelt right now!” Bruce ordered and as soon it was done he asked. “Son are you sure you cannot wait?” Damian only shook his head, “Alright son, just tell me if anything changes okay?” he nodded grimacing in anger.

 

Fifteen minutes of pee jokes coming from the backseat and death threats from the middle one, Dick was going crazy, he couldn’t take it anymore, “B, are we there yet?” He shouted over the other’s voices.

 

“No Dick we aren’t.”

 

The boys seemed to like Dicks ideas and timed each 90 seconds to ask that same question, and Bruce answered the same thing calm and patient until the fourth time, by the fifth he was already gripping too tight to the steering wheel and Selina amused herself putting on lipstick, Damian got back to the acting, to the point Bruce almost stopped for him to ‘tinkle in the woods’ by the road, suggestion by his second eldest _of course_ , the offense was huge bigger than the whole universe itself, it was loud, too loud for Bruce, three minutes of sitting in hell hearing shouting and yelling, he didn’t even tried scolding anymore, or controlling his patience for that matter. Finally they made to the small half wrecked store, everyone was going to get what they wanted and needed and it would all be a little less of a headache and more of a relaxation, except Damian made a scene, because he would ‘ _rather use nature as his toilet than this absolutely inappropriate place unworthy of the Wayne blood’_ , Selina made a scene because she could ‘ _never use these cheap skin aggressive brands that even tested in animals, The wife of Bruce Wayne deserved so much more’_ , Jason stole a pack of cigarettes, Dick insisted on having the giant plushy of the Sasquatch and Tim had ingested every single energy drink of the store. After an entire hour of blowing out breaths as he made Damian and everyone else use the restroom, convinced Selina to buy one deodorant when she'd just found one in her purse, payed for the giant amount of cookies and the pack cigarettes Jason had taken as well as Tim's drinks, got Dick a much smaller version of the plushy he wanted, Bruce finally added some aspirins to his bill.

 

Outside they watched Bruce buying the aspirins smirking to each other, the boys fist bumped, Selina patted their shoulders and praised them. Back into the minivan the sleeping part of the plan was put in action after another hour of driving, Jason slept like a dog snoring then making loud sniffling sounds, Dick and Tim alternated between short snores and whistles, Damian was the loudest he simulated a dragon blowing air through both the mouth and nose at the same time, Selina started purring softly dropping herself slowly onto Bruce until the snores were louder and the position was completely uncomfortable for Bruce to drive with already tired arms. He tried ignoring it, he was doing good, at least it wasn't shouting or yelling, he could deal with it or so he thought, twenty minutes passed, and then forty went crawling, if felt like an eternity one hour and he found himself tightening him hold on the steering wheel again, greeting teeth about who knows what, his watch showed it was past 3:00 PM, the small town museum closed at 2:00, he accelerated past the town angrily, soon those little tractors would wake up and none of them had lunch yet, it felt like he was sweating but he wasn't, still his neck felt wet, no it felt sticky wet, he glanced to mirror at his own image, _Oh no, no, no, no, no_! Selina was drooling, drooling a lot, he couldn't take it any longer _, AAAH._

 

“AAAH” it wasn't meant to come out loud.

 

Everyone startled awake, rubbing puffy eyes and groaning, that was just what he needed four grumpy birds and a possibly highly irritated cat, Selina took longer to get fully aware of her surroundings and rubbed her drooled mouth on Bruce's shirt making him scowl, she yawned in response and waved vaguely in the air.

 

“Oh!” Another yawn. “Sorry kitten I must have fallen asleep.” a stomach grumbled somewhere in the back, she smiled warmly at Bruce and gave her a kiss in the cheek.

 

“Broooose!” Jason whined  “I am hungry, when do we get to eat?” Bruce opted for silence.

 

“Yeah,” Dick stretched his arms and hit Damian's head who -tted at the touch, “I've heard the museum's restaurant is super cool, they've got dinosaur themed meals.” Dick was pure excitement, Bruce swallowed and Selina happily checked the time on her phone.

 

“What are you five?” Tim barked annoyed by being ‘awaken’ so bluntly. “I just hope they have good coffee, who wants to see ancient creature’s skeletons of a small city in the middle of nowhere?”

 

“Skeletons that are worthier than you Drake,” Damian kept clicking his tongue.

 

“We were too late and the museum was already closed,” Bruce informed them, “You're all sleeping so I chose to get at least at our hotel in time, we all need to clean up and eat something.” In the rearview mirror he saw Damian bit his low lip to prevent the pout, Dick didn't even try to hide his, Tim just sighed frustrated with pale face while Jason… well.

 

“I am going to starve! Let me out of this car right now, I need to go search the trash cans” he knew his act wasn't convincing but his sarcasm would hurt Bruce.

 

“Jason sweetie,” Selina spoke, “why don't you eat some of those cookies we bought at the store?” she suggested, Bruce looked smiling at her and mouthed a sincere 'thank you’.

 

“Uh…” Tim cut in “I might have eaten the chocolate ones.”

 

“What?! There were only chocolate ones!” Jason shouted and Tim's eyes widened.

 

The mess was made again, his second eldest threw punches, the younger defended himself the best he could, soon they were rolling over each other like two hissing cats, Bruce finally stopped the car with an abrupt break. He turned to looked at them and was about to start the scolding when Tim came up green.

 

“I think I am going to be sick…” he put a hand over his mouth to stop a burp. “To many energy drinks and cookies…” he jumped through the seats and opened the slide door, he barely had time to get out of the car before the contents of his stomach came out with no mercy.

 

Selina and Bruce got out in a rush to support the boy, she went to her cases to get some drugstore wet cloths to clean him, he grabbed a hold of his son's head and they stayed like that for several minutes, Tim's face was red, the nasty acid smell watered his eyes, the other three watched the scene still as stones.

 

“Are you okay?” Bruce asked when he was finally done, the boy nodded. “Let's go-”

 

“Home.” Tim completed in misery, “please, I just want to go back.” He gulped his now dried throat.

 

Bruce looked at him, at the other boys and then at Selina, they all nodded so he did too. “Very well then.”

 

In the van Dick switched places with Tim in case he felt bad again, they all stopped playing, it wasn't supposed to get as far as someone getting hurt, but at last they got what they wanted, Bruce closed the driver's door, family vacation was over.

 

 

**_To Be Continued..._ **

**Author's Note:**

> First: Thank you so much for reading and as I said in the series notes, tomorrow will be featured with a direct sequel for this, hopefully shorter, in another words: no, nothing is over, it does not end here.
> 
> I hope you're enjoying this and wish me luck, I desperately need it.


End file.
